Conflict Resolution and Communication within the Family Caregiving Dynamic

There is more than one type of conflict (for example, productive or unconstructive). There is more than one root cause of conflict as well. Sometimes it is simply the circumstances, differences of opinion, expectations, or opposing needs of two people and other times, stuffing our feelings about something, avoiding conflict, and not expressing ourselves in real time creates conflict.

When we communicate our feelings whether in real time or after taking a pause or even scheduling it for a limited amount of time in the future, we can create solutions, strategies, or healthy compromises to get both our needs and the needs of others met. This is how we honor ourselves and be a contribution to others.

When we feel seen and heard, when others feel seen and heard, and when we work together toward a healthy solution, we create connection instead of rejection. Rather than coming from a perspective where one party needs something and the other party refuses, we can (if we choose) come to some kind of agreement. While sometimes a no is a no, there is no end to the creative resourcefulness of the human spirit.

On a deeper level, although it may seem as though we have opposing needs, sometimes there are ways to tie each other’s opposing needs together to form one creative solution.

For example, some soft-hearted, sensitive people avoid watching the news to give themselves a feeling of safety while others who are hypervigilant watch the news to gain the very same feeling of safety. Opposing way of doing things – same need for safety.

Here is one communication script you can use:

Before you communicate your needs and/or opinions it is important to sit with yourself and journal out how you may be adding untrue scripts to the scenario at hand. For example, I recall a time when I sent a text and received a reply of, “so-and-so has silenced notifications,” I had NO idea it was simply their driving alert notification. I thought they were somehow blocking me. Do you see how easy it is to infer something negative about ourselves? Take some time to ask yourself the following:

  • Could there be any other sponsoring intention with my family member’s comment/response/action?
  • Can I know for 100 percent certainty that what I am inferring is absolutely true?

Next, we want to communicate our feelings as well as our and needs with our family members, so we can create a healthy resolution. You can practice your communication, using these steps:

Remember afterward ask your family member what (if anything) they may need:

When situation A happened, I understood it to mean: ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________

and then I felt (insert how you felt in that moment and time)

___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________

I would appreciate if we could:

___________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________(what do you need in this scenario?)

The best way for this is to (give clear examples) what you need, how you need it, times/dates, examples. Be specific.

___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________

Does this all make sense? Do you need more clarity? Can we try solving this together?

Is there something you need?

Be precise:

Example: When I was cut off mid-sentence in front of Mom’s doctor, it felt like my input wasn’t valued and I felt unheard. I would appreciate it if we could take the stance of being on the same team. Please give me a chance to add my input as well.

The best way to accomplish this is to either speak ahead of time to come to some kind of agreement or to give each other a minute each to express our opinions,

Does that make sense? Do you have any other ideas or input?

Make sure to reciprocate the same to them when it is their turn to communicate.

  • Actively listen without planning what you will say next.
  • Watch the expressions on their face and/or the inflection of their voice to truly pick up on what they are or are not saying.
  • Validate their feelings, “I see you are feeling/saying/needing ABC.”
  • Additionally, it never hurts to compliment or acknowledge someone before or after speaking with them. This allows them to feel at ease and be open to difficult conversations when there is no apparent need for defensiveness on their part.

Ex. I interpreted that situation as me being disregarded when you didn’t use any of the points I made for mom’s medical care.  I then felt hurt. I would appreciate it if you would consider including my input too.

Use wording (for examples) such as:

  • together,
  • create healthy solutions that work for everyone,
  • as a team,
  • on the same page

I appreciate this and need xyz (using and instead of but does not minimize the acknowledgement)

Next up, learn how to create more harmony with siblings while caregiving.