Create More Harmony and Work Toward Siblings without Rivalry in Caregiving
When it comes to siblings, it is difficult at best to show up as the adult version of ourselves. We will always have the running scripts and stories about our childhood, our rank in birth order, or any and all other meanings we give to our family of lineage.
When it comes to creating more harmony in family caregiving, it is important to prepare ahead of time for communication, especially with more challenging family members.
It’s not so much that you are creating a belief about one of your siblings that they are difficult, it is about being conscious about showing up as your best version of yourself based on past experience with more challenging family members. Please do not expect miracles. This takes time and practice and, above all, patience.
This is an additional framework, with steps, for communicating with extra-challenging individuals.
Start with an honest inquiry and self-reflection:
What triggers come up for me as an evolved and conscious human being when around this family member?
- Do I feel less than?
- Do I want to win the argument no matter how big or small?
- Do I feel inferior?
- Do I want to feel superior?
- Do I secretly think they are the favored one?
Next, consider what might trigger them:
- Are they logical, practical, and despise small details?
- Are you detailed oriented and need to feel fully self-expressed?
(This will help you create solutions and strategies ahead of time to maintain peace.)
Reflect on why they might act the way they do:
- Do they see the world from a different lens?
- Could they have different sponsoring intentions than what you believe? Ex: if they ask a lot of questions, could it be they are concerned and care for you as opposed to you believing they are intrusive?
- What are their core wounds? Could they be feeling less than, unseen, unheard, or fear criticism of any kind as it might mean something negative to their self-esteem?
Try to understand what life may be like from their perspective. Ex: Two siblings, one thinks the other is the golden child while the other thinks that they are the favorite. Two separate human beings, two identical points of view about the other.
Validate or acknowledge their feelings: Ex: I could see how you would feel that way.
Ask them if they are open to listening to your perspective and see if there are any similarities or differences. Express your feelings and needs and offer up finding a creative solution together. This way no one has or feels as though the other has more “say” in the matter.
Know your core wounds, triggers, and importantly, your needs.
Be clear about what you need – if you ask for support and don’t give clear, specific tools, you risk not having your needs met. Saying, “I need support on Tuesdays with mom’s physical therapy appointments,” or, “I need support on the weekends for four hours on Saturday,” gives clear direction for support.
Boundaries not Being Honored after Asking – Give family members some grace as everyone needs time to adjust and to make changes, and make sure you follow through.
Hi, I know we chatted about this xyz, maybe it slipped your mind or maybe you need more time, or I wasn’t clear enough. This is a really important need for me, do you need a reminder here or there – how can we work together to get this need met?
When you Feel Someone is Shutting You Out or Cutting You Off:
Ex: I feel disconnected right now and I’d like to know if there’s something in your space or maybe you just need some space. Can you please share with me what’s going on for you? I want to respect your needs and at the same time I want to let you know how not knowing what’s going on is impacting me. You’re so important to me and I’d like to work through this together so we can become closer through communication.
Follow through – sometimes you may need to remind someone gently as they work through making tweaks to your requests. Make sure to follow through both for yourself and for your family member.
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Stay tuned for my favorite part – Now that you’ve got your emotions mastered, you’ve learned the art and practice of asking for what you need, communicating, and setting and following through on boundaries, let’s use the cleared-up time to start creating legacy stories:
Using my Pearls of Wisdom Legacy PDFs for your loved one’s important and endearing legacies of love!